Why do I sabotage good relationships? A coach's view

"Why do I sabotage good relationships?" Many of the women I work with arrive with this question. They meet a kind, steady man. Things go well. And then something in them starts to pull away, pick fights, or lose interest, and they do not know why.

You are not broken, and you are not doomed to do this forever. Here is what I see, from 8 years of hearing what men say and many years of working with women.

What self-sabotage often looks like

1. Losing interest when he is consistent and available.
2. Picking at small things until he gives up.
3. Testing him. Pulling back to see if he will chase.
4. Finding a reason to leave just as it gets serious.
5. Going cold after a lovely weekend.
6. Choosing the exciting, unavailable man over the one who calls when he says he will.

Why good feels wrong

Many women who sabotage good relationships grew up with love that was unpredictable. A parent who was warm one day and absent the next. Affection that had to be earned. Calm that could end at any time.

Your nervous system learned what love feels like from that. It learned that love feels like waiting, anxiety and relief. When a man gives you steady, predictable care, your body does not read it as love. It reads it as boring, or even as suspicious.

That flatness you feel with a good man has a cause. It lives in your nervous system, and it can be retrained.

Why closeness can feel dangerous

For many women, the deepest fear is of being unloveable, of being too much, or of being left once he knows her properly. As a relationship gets closer, that fear gets louder. Leaving first can feel safer than waiting to be left.

Sabotage is often protection. It is a way of controlling the ending you are most afraid of.

The armour

Many women build armour to protect themselves after being hurt. Independence, high standards, sharp humour, never needing anything. The armour works. That is the problem. It filters out the men who would have given, and lets through the ones who like a wall to climb.

How to stop sabotaging good relationships: 6 steps

1. Notice the pattern without judging it. Write down what happened the last 3 times you pulled away. What happened just before? Often it was a moment of closeness.
2. Score your reaction out of 10. When you feel the urge to leave or pick a fight, score how strong it is. Then score what happened. If you feel an 8 about a 3, the other 5 is old. It is not about him.
3. Name the fear. Ask yourself: what am I scared will happen if I stay? Usually the answer is: he will see all of me and leave.
4. Let him see you anyway. Tell him 1 small true thing you would usually hide. "When things get close I sometimes get scared and pull away. It's not about you." Most good men respond with care.
5. Stay through the boring. Give a steady man more time than your body wants to. Many women find that what felt flat at week 3 feels safe at month 3, and safe turns into deep.
6. Get support. Patterns this old are easier to change with help. You do not have to work it out alone.

What good men see

I have spoken to many men who left a woman they loved because she kept pushing them away. Most of them did not want to leave. They got tired of failing a test they could not see.

If you have a good man in front of you now, he probably wants to stay. Tell him what is going on. It gives him a way to help.

In my work

The women I see change fastest are not the ones who stop feeling the urge. They are the ones who learn to notice it and say it out loud. Once it is spoken, it loses most of its power.

What to say to a good man when you feel the urge to run

"I'm feeling scared right now, and when I'm scared I want to pull away. It's not about you. Can you just be close to me for a bit?"

Most good men will be relieved to hear this. It turns a silent test into a shared moment, and gives him a way to help instead of a puzzle to solve.

Where to start

Download my free ebook for single women, How to Magnetize Love. It covers the armour, why good men can feel boring, and the almost pattern. If you are in a relationship now, take the free relationship quiz to see where you are. For 1:1 help, apply for a discovery call.

Questions women ask me