Why small things trigger big reactions in relationships

If you have ever wondered why small things trigger big reactions in relationships, you are not alone. Someone leaves the milk out, and suddenly you are shaking. Your partner is 10 minutes late and you feel like the world is ending.

Afterwards you feel embarrassed, and your partner feels confused. Here is what is going on, and a simple tool I use with every couple.

The bigger the reaction, the older the feeling

Score your own reaction out of 10 while it is happening.

A 3 is normal. Someone left the milk out and you are annoyed. It comes, you say it, it goes.

Anything above a 5 is usually about something that happened long before tonight.

A feeling that was too big to handle at the time gets stored instead of felt. A child who feels something huge with nobody there to help does not process it. They store it, because that is the only option.

Stored feelings wait. They wait for a moment that looks like the original one, and then they arrive at full volume, at a partner who left the milk out.

40 minutes late

In my ebook I write about Lena and Marco. Marco came home 40 minutes late one Thursday and forgot to text. By the time he walked in, Lena had been standing at the window for half an hour, and the evening was already gone.

He apologised. She could not stop. He got defensive. It ended at 1am with both of them saying things they did not mean.

I asked Lena to score how she had felt at the window, out of 10. She said 9. Then I asked her to score what had happened. She laughed, a little embarrassed, and said 3.

So where did the other 6 come from? It took a while. Her father used to disappear for days without a word, and she spent a lot of her childhood at a window, waiting.

Marco went very quiet. He had been defending himself against a 9 for years, never knowing most of it had nothing to do with him.

Why this keeps happening

This is why the same argument keeps happening. You are both meeting something much older in the middle of the kitchen.

Your partner did something that looked like the original hurt. Lateness looked like a father disappearing. A raised voice can look like a parent who frightened you. Being ignored can look like being invisible as a child.

The feeling is true. What you think it means might not be.

The practice: score it out of 10

1. In the moment, score your reaction. Just the number.
2. If it is above a 5, ask yourself 1 thing before you speak: how old is this feeling?
3. Say the number out loud if you can.

It sounds like this:

"I need to say something. What I'm feeling is about an 8. What happened is maybe a 3. So the difference is mine. I still want to talk about it. I just don't want to give you the whole 8."

What it changes for the partner

For the person on the other side, this changes everything. Instead of facing a 9 and trying to defend a 3, they know what they are dealing with. They can take responsibility for their 3, and offer comfort for the rest.

Marco texts when he is late now, and he does not argue with the other 5 any more. He puts his arms around Lena instead. These days they mostly use the number as a joke, which is the best sign I know.

What not to do

1. Do not use it against your partner. "You're only a 3, the rest is your dad" is cruel. The number is for the person feeling it to say about themselves.
2. Do not dismiss the feeling. A 9 that is mostly old is still a 9. It still hurts.
3. Do not try to fix the past in the middle of an argument. Name the number now. Talk about where it comes from later, when you are both calm.

When the old feelings are very big

If you often react at 8, 9 or 10, or if the reactions frighten you or your partner, it is worth working with someone. A coach can help with the patterns. A therapist can help with the original pain. There is no shame in either.

In my house

My wife and I use the number. Written down, it sounds clinical. Said out loud, it is the difference between a whole evening and 20 minutes.

How to start using the number

Agree on it in a calm moment, not in the middle of a fight. "I read about scoring reactions out of 10. Can we try it? If I say a number, it means I know part of this is mine." Then practise on small things first. A 4 about the milk. A 6 about being late. Once it feels normal on small things, it works on big ones.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz to see where you are. Read what to do after a fight with your partner. The Ten Secrets has this and 9 other practices. For 1:1 help, apply for a discovery call.

Questions about big reactions