How to fall back in love with your wife

If you are a man searching for how to fall back in love with your wife, you are doing something most men never do. You are admitting it. Most men keep going, keep providing, keep turning up, and quietly stop feeling much at all.

I worked with men for 8 years before I worked with couples. More than 1,000 of them. Here is what I have seen about how a man loses the feeling for his wife, and how he gets it back.

How it fades for men

For most men the feeling does not leave in one go. It drains out through 3 holes.

1. He stops feeling appreciated. He works, he fixes, he provides, and nobody mentions it. After a while he stops expecting anyone to.
2. He starts feeling managed. Home becomes a place where he is corrected, reminded and quietly judged. He does what he is told and checks out.
3. The sex goes. He stops reaching for her because he does not want to be turned down. She reads that as him not wanting her. Neither says anything.

None of that means he has stopped loving her. It means he has stopped feeling it.

The trap of waiting to feel it

Many men think they should wait until the feeling comes back before they make an effort. It does not work that way. The feeling comes from doing. If you wait to feel it, you will wait for years.

This is good news. It means the way back is in your hands, and it starts with things you can do tomorrow morning.

How to fall back in love with your wife: 6 steps

1. Say 1 sentence before 7am. Before you pick up your phone, tell her you love her and name something specific. "You looked beautiful last night and I didn't say so." In my ebook, Ben thought this was silly. On the third morning his wife put her hand on his shoulder and thanked him for getting up with the kids. He thought about it for the whole drive to work.
2. Look at her. Properly. When she is talking, put the phone face down. Watch her face. Men lose the feeling partly because they stop looking.
3. Find out what she is afraid of. Under most of what annoys you is a fear. For many women it is the fear of being too much, or of not being wanted. When she asks "are we OK?" for the third time this week, she is not nagging. She is scared. Tell her, on a day nothing is wrong, that she is not too much.
4. Plan something. Book the dinner. Arrange the babysitter. Do not ask her to organise it. Few things make a woman feel more loved than not having to carry the plan.
5. Touch her without wanting anything. A hand on her back in the kitchen. A hug that lasts longer than 3 seconds. If every touch leads to a request, she will start avoiding them.
6. Say the thing you have been holding back. Many men keep a distance from their wives because there is something they have never said. A failure, a fear, a feeling. In my ebook, Liam told his wife Jess he had turned down a promotion. He had been passed over. When he finally told her, she cried, not about the job, but because for 2 years she had felt him far away. They talked until 2 in the morning.

What she needs from you, and what you need from her

Most women want to feel loved and cared for. Most men want to feel appreciated and respected. When a man starts giving love and care, the appreciation usually comes back. When it does, he feels more. It is a loop, and you can start it from your side.

You can also ask for what you need. Not as a complaint. As information. "When you thank me for something specific, I feel it all day." Most women will do more of it once they know it lands.

What it is like when the feeling comes back

Men tell me it comes back in small moments first. Watching her laugh at something. Noticing her across a room at a party. Missing her when she is away for a night. Then one evening, without any warning, you want her the way you did at the start.

In my house

My wife says something, and I start problem-solving in my head. She does not want the solution. She wants to know I am with her first. When I remember that, I feel closer to her, not only her to me.

Give it 2 weeks

Do the morning sentence and 1 other step every day for 2 weeks before you judge it. Most men tell me they notice the change in her before they notice it in themselves.

Where to start

Take the free relationship quiz to see where you stand. Read my articles for men, starting with why most relationship advice misses men. For a month of daily guidance for you and your wife, try the 30 Day Challenge. For 12 weeks with other couples, see The New Us. Or apply for a discovery call.

Questions men ask me