Online relationship coach: how it works when you are not in the same room

I live in Ubud with my wife and our daughter. Most of the people I coach do not. They live all over the world, with jobs, children and calendars that are already full. So all of my coaching is online, and after years of working this way, I would not go back.

What an online relationship coach does

A relationship coach helps you change what happens between you and your partner, or between you and the people you date. Not by talking about the past for months, but by working on what you do this week. Online, that work happens from your own home, which is where the patterns live anyway.

If you want the longer version, I wrote about what a relationship coach does.

Who works with an online relationship coach

In my practice it is 3 groups:

1. Couples who still love each other but feel far apart, like flatmates, or stuck in the same argument.
2. Men who want to understand what their partner needs, and how to give it without losing themselves.
3. Single women who keep meeting men who are not ready for commitment, and want to choose differently.

Why online works as well as a room

The change does not happen in the session. It happens on a Tuesday evening in your kitchen, when 1 of you does something different. A session is only useful if it changes what happens at home.

Online coaching removes the things that usually get in the way. No travel. No babysitter for half a day. No waiting room. You open your laptop, we talk, and 10 minutes later you are back in your life with 1 thing to do.

People are also more relaxed at home. They say things on a call that they might hold back in an office.

What a session with me looks like

1. We start with what happened since last time. Specific moments, not general feelings.
2. We look at the pattern underneath. What did you want, what did you do instead, and what did that cost you?
3. You leave with 1 practice for the week. Small enough that you will do it.
4. Between sessions you do the practice. That is where the change happens.

How to choose an online relationship coach

Look for 3 things. Someone who has lived what they teach, not only studied it. Someone who gives you something to do, not only something to think about. And someone who will tell you plainly when coaching is not what you need, and point you to a therapist instead.

When online coaching is not the right fit

If there is violence at home, an addiction nobody is dealing with, or 1 of you does not feel safe, start with local professional help. Coaching works on what you do. It does not replace safety or treatment.

How to start

Every private client starts with a free discovery call. We look at where you are and whether coaching is the right step. If it is not, I will tell you.

Apply for a discovery call. If you want to start smaller, take the free relationship quiz or try The 30 Day Challenge.

What you need for online coaching

1. A laptop or tablet with a camera. A phone works, but a bigger screen helps.
2. A quiet room where nobody walks in. Headphones help if there are children in the house.
3. 60 minutes where you are not checking messages.
4. A notebook. Writing down your 1 practice makes it far more likely you will do it.

That is all. Most people are set up in 5 minutes.

Common worries about online coaching

1. It will feel distant. In my experience it feels close within the first 10 minutes. People forget the screen once they start talking about something that matters.
2. My partner will not want to be on camera. Many partners join later, once they see something changing. You can start alone.
3. The connection will drop. It happens now and then. We reconnect and carry on.
4. I will not know what to say. You do not need to prepare. I ask questions, and we start from wherever you are.

Individual or couples coaching online?

Both work online. Couples join together from the same room, side by side, which makes it easier to stay connected during the call. Individuals join on their own. Many people start with 1:1 coaching and bring their partner in later.

If you are a man who wants to understand what your partner needs, read a relationship coach for men. If you are a couple, read online couples coaching.

How to get the most from an online relationship coach

1. Be specific. Bring 1 moment from the week, not a general feeling. On Thursday at 7pm, when I said this, she did that.
2. Do the practice. A call where you report that you did the thing is worth 5 calls of talking about it.
3. Keep a short note of what changed. People forget their progress quickly. Seeing it written down helps on the hard weeks.
4. Tell me what is not working. Coaching should fit your life, not the other way around.

Questions people ask