How to be a better husband: 9 things that matter more than you think
Being a better husband is rarely about grand gestures. These are the small things the men I coach start doing, and what their wives notice first.
Most men want to be a good husband. Many work hard at it. And many are confused when their wife still feels alone. Usually, they are working hard at the wrong things.
After 8 years coaching more than 1,000 men, and a lot of learning in my own marriage, these are the things that matter most.
1. Say something kind before 7am
1 specific sentence about why you love her. It takes 8 seconds and changes how her day starts.
2. Own something completely
Not helping. Owning. Pick 1 part of the household and take it off her mind, without reminders.
3. Listen without fixing
When she talks about a hard day, she usually wants to feel heard first. Ask: do you want help, or do you want me to listen? See how to be a better listener for your wife.
4. Touch without an agenda
A hug that is just a hug. When every touch leads to the bedroom, she stops wanting to be touched.
5. Follow through
Do what you said you would do, when you said you would do it. It builds more trust than any gift.
6. Plan, do not ask
Instead of asking what she wants to do this weekend, make a plan and invite her. Taking the thinking off her plate is a gift.
7. Stay steady when she is upset
Her emotions are not an attack. Stay calm, stay close, and do not take it personally.
8. Lead without controlling
Make decisions, take initiative, and stay open to her input. More in how to lead without controlling.
9. Keep working on yourself
Your health, your purpose, your friendships. A husband who takes care of himself has more to give.
What wives notice first
In my experience: the mood in the house. Less tension. Fewer things she has to ask twice. And then, often, she starts reaching for him again.
If you want help
I coach men 1:1 and couples together. Read about coaching for men, or apply for a discovery call.
Common mistakes good husbands make
- Thinking that providing is enough. It matters, and she also needs to feel you.
- Helping when asked, instead of owning.
- Fixing her feelings instead of listening.
- Only touching her when you want sex.
- Going quiet when you feel criticised.
- Waiting for her to plan the fun.
Most of these come from good intentions. They just miss what she needs.
A week to start
Monday: a kind sentence before 7am.
Tuesday: take 1 task off her mind, completely.
Wednesday: a hug with no agenda.
Thursday: ask about her day, and listen without fixing.
Friday: plan the weekend and invite her.
Saturday: tell her 1 thing you admire about her.
Sunday: 15 minutes together, phones away.
Then repeat. Most men find it gets easier after 2 weeks, and the response from their wife makes it easy to keep going.
What she needs most
In my experience, most wives want to feel 3 things. Seen: you notice her and what she does. Safe: you stay steady when things are hard. Chosen: you show, every day, that you would choose her again. Everything on this list serves 1 of those 3.
Taking care of yourself
You cannot give what you do not have. Sleep, move, keep your friendships, have something of your own that gives you energy. A husband who is tired and empty has little left for his marriage. Taking care of yourself is part of taking care of her.
Questions people ask
My wife says I do a lot, so why is she still unhappy?
Often it is not about how much you do, but whether she still has to think about it. Owning is different from helping.
How quickly will she notice?
Most men tell me their wife notices small changes within 2 weeks, if they keep them up.
Do I have to change who I am?
No. Most of this is about doing small things consistently, not becoming someone else.
