How to communicate better in a relationship

When couples tell me they have a communication problem, they usually mean 1 of 3 things. They talk but do not feel heard. They avoid hard topics. Or every conversation becomes an argument.

Here are the habits that help most.

1. Listen to understand, not to answer

Most of us listen while preparing our reply. Try listening until you can say their point back in your own words. Then reply.

2. Ask: do you want help or listening?

Many arguments start because 1 person wanted support and got a solution. 1 question avoids that.

3. Say what you need, specifically

Not you never help. But: can you do the school run on Tuesdays? Specific requests are easier to say yes to.

4. Use I, not you

I felt alone at the party lands differently from you ignored me all night.

5. Choose the right moment

Hard conversations go better when you are both fed, rested and not in a rush. Not at 11pm, and not by text.

6. Touch while you talk

A hand on the arm keeps you connected when the topic is hard. It sounds simple. It works.

7. Appreciate more than you criticise

Couples who stay happy say far more kind things to each other than critical ones. Make appreciation a daily habit. See appreciation exercises for couples.

8. Repair quickly

Every couple says the wrong thing sometimes. A quick sorry, I said that badly, saves hours.

Men and women often communicate differently

Not always, but often. Many men need time before they talk, and share more side by side than face to face. Many women want to talk things through to feel close. Knowing this stops a lot of misunderstanding. More in what women need from men in a relationship and what men need but won't ask for.

A 10 minute daily check-in

Every evening, 10 minutes, phones away. Each of you answers 2 questions: what was the best part of your day, and what do you need from me tomorrow? That is it.

When it is not enough

If you keep ending up in the same argument, the problem is usually a pattern, not a skill. That is where coaching helps. Apply for a discovery call.

Phrases that help

1. Help me understand.
2. What I heard is this. Did I get it right?
3. I need a moment to think before I answer.
4. You are right about that part.
5. Can we try that again?
6. Thank you for telling me.

Save these somewhere you will see them. Using them a few times makes them natural.

Phrases that hurt

1. You always, you never.
2. Calm down.
3. Whatever.
4. That is ridiculous.
5. Here we go again.

Each of these closes a conversation. If you notice you use 1 of them often, replace it with something from the first list.

Communication when you are tired

Most bad conversations happen when 1 or both of you is exhausted. Agree on a simple rule: no big topics after 9pm. If something comes up, say: this matters, can we talk about it tomorrow at breakfast? Then do it.

Communicating needs without nagging

Say the need once, clearly, with a specific request. Then trust your partner to do it, and thank them when they do. Repeating the same request over and over teaches both of you that the first ask does not count. More in how to tell your partner what you need without nagging.

Questions people ask